Chaos Theory

All that you touch         All that you Change          The only lasting truth
You Change.                    Changes you.                        Is Change.

Three years out of college, and I am back at home.

A few factors converged to lead me here. As I realized that my work was not reflective of my goals and direction, I found myself searching for the next step forward in my life. Meanwhile, my Mom has had to stop working for health reasons, and she, too, is moving on to the next phase in her life.

Perhaps that next step forward for both of us starts with a step back. Stop moving so fast. Gain perspective. Reassess.

Hidden within Change
Is surprise, delight,
Confusion, pain,
Discovery, loss,
Opportunity, and growth.

Seize Change.
Use it.
Adapt and grow.

Life is not simple, but a few things are constant. Change is constant. I have had expectations for myself, for my life. Some I have met – education, friendships. Other expectations and goals have changed. My career options are wide open. I’m interested in journalism and publishing – both rapidly changing industries. I still love nonprofit work, but again, I think the reality of that work did not quite meet my expectations. So, I am learning to shift, to change gears.

The last few months have been tumultuous, tempestuous, treacherous. I am trying to find my place here and some space for myself. The family are as they always are: chaotic, loving, forgiving.

These quotes are from Octavia Bulter’s Parable books. Her heroine creates a belief system centered around the truth that all things change. God is Change.  And at the same time, we have the ability to shape that change and control to varying degrees how it changes us. I believe that is where I am now. Recognizing the broad sweeping change around me and attempting to hold on to the core pieces of myself while trying to let the rest get stripped away. Time to find myself.

I will write, draw. Take photographs. Get to know my nieces and share myself with them. Support Mom through her transition and try to support my brother and sister-in-law. I will look for work and try to always be productive. Make. Improve. Learn. Grow. Change.

And again, I am home. East Tennessee, Butler, this house, this family – the upheaval, the problems, the laughter and love. Home. My childhood memories and the realities I recognize now are often at odds. I have built a home for myself away from here, built relationships, shared experiences that have nothing to do with this place. Of course those have changed me and change my perspective. But this is always home, or at least, will always have been my home. And I suppose I hope the change in me can create positive change here as well.

With hope, humor, and humility —
jnj

The child in each of us
Knows paradise.
Paradise is home.
Home as it was
Or home as it should have been.

Paradise is one’s own place,
One’s own people,
One’s own world,
Knowing and known,
Perhaps even
Loving and loved.

Yet every child
Is cast from paradise–
Into growth and destruction,
Into solitude and new community,
Into vast, ongoing
Change.

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